My ringtone is the theme song from Newsroom. Looking at caller ID, I saw “Mom Cell.”

ME:  Hello, Mother.

MOM:  I missed talking to you yesterday.

To make up for lost time, we speak at least once a day.

ME: I’m sorry. I had a date.

MOM:  With a man?

ME:  (laughing) Yes.

MOM: Why?

ME: I’m not a lesbian.

MOM: How did you dare after the last one? (Reference to Satan.)

ME:  Mom, all men aren’t bad.

MOM:  Well.  How old is he?

ME:  61.

MOM:  You’re still interested in older men.  What is wrong with you?

ME:  I’m celebrating the 30th anniversary of my 16th birthday next month. I’m not exactly young anymore.

MOM:  Well, how did you meet?

ME:  Mutual friends. (You know, the staff at Match.com.)

MOM: You know, I had mother’s intuition. I thought, “I bet she’s on a date or she would have called me.”

ME: You were right.

MOM:  What are you doing tonight?

ME: Going out with Jeff.

MOM:  Jeff who?

ME:  Your son. I’m having a bromance.

MOM: What are you wearing? You still haven’t brought me that dress you wore at the Huntsman awards to fix.

ME: I’ll bring it next time.

MOM:  You better.  There’s not much material to work with, but I should be able to make it more modest.

ME:  Have you been drinking?

MOM: Oh, Julie!  Of course not. But, I did tell Jeff I think I’m getting addicted to my pain pills.  They just make me feel so much better.