My ringtone is the theme song from Newsroom. Looking at caller ID, I saw “Mom Cell.”
ME: Hello, Mother.
MOM: I missed talking to you yesterday.
To make up for lost time, we speak at least once a day.
ME: I’m sorry. I had a date.
MOM: With a man?
ME: (laughing) Yes.
ME: I’m not a lesbian.
MOM: How did you dare after the last one? (Reference to Satan.)
ME: Mom, all men aren’t bad.
MOM: Well. How old is he?
MOM: You’re still interested in older men. What is wrong with you?
ME: I’m celebrating the 30th anniversary of my 16th birthday next month. I’m not exactly young anymore.
MOM: Well, how did you meet?
ME: Mutual friends. (You know, the staff at Match.com.)
MOM: You know, I had mother’s intuition. I thought, “I bet she’s on a date or she would have called me.”
ME: You were right.
MOM: What are you doing tonight?
ME: Going out with Jeff.
MOM: Jeff who?
ME: Your son. I’m having a bromance.
MOM: What are you wearing? You still haven’t brought me that dress you wore at the Huntsman awards to fix.
ME: I’ll bring it next time.
MOM: You better. There’s not much material to work with, but I should be able to make it more modest.
ME: Have you been drinking?
MOM: Oh, Julie! Of course not. But, I did tell Jeff I think I’m getting addicted to my pain pills. They just make me feel so much better.