ME:  Do you have pets?

HIM:  I have fifteen plants. I also collect movies. I have 1,200 on VHS and DVD. I collect art, too. Pets would make a mess.

ME to MYSELF:  This date could end before the waiter brings our water if I tell him I have five dogs.

HIM: Here’s the wine list. I don’t drink. I don’t like the taste.

ME to MYSELF: I’m going to need more than a glass. I’ll order a carafe of Troublemaker Red.

HIM:  I had a big lunch, so I’m just going to order a salad.

ME:  So, you collect films. Which of the Oscar nominations did you enjoy?

HIM:  I didn’t see any films. I don’t like the Oscars. I boycott them each year. They are too political.  Did you see any?

ME:  I loved Spotlight. The subject was tough, but it was fantastic. Great acting.  And, I loved that it celebrated journalism.

HIM:  (Nodding.)

ME:  I also saw Room. That was tough to watch, too. But, the acting was brilliant.  I loved the little boy.

HIM:  Did you see The Revenant?

ME:  No.  It looked a little intense for me.

HIM:  I know someone who walked out after ten minutes because of the violence.  I don’t see films like that.  I am anti-violence and pro-gun control.

ME:  (Smiling and nodding.)

Mike, our waiter brought the wine in a carafe and poured my glass.  The date picked up the carafe, raised it to his nose, commented on the bouquet and proposed a toast.

THEN, he drank from the carafe.

After a few bites of salad, he reached over and drank from the carafe again.

I knew I was on a first and last date.

Later that evening, in the powder room with my girlfriend . . .

GIRLFRIEND:  He’s very nice.  But, he’s not for you.

ME:  He drank out of the carafe.

GIRLFRIEND:  What kind of carafe? Water or wine?

ME:  Wine.

GIRLFRIEND: Ewwwwww. That’s why meet and greets should be over coffee.