What is WRONG with You?

22 July 2013

Frequently, I’ll hear my eighth and ninth grade students ask each other, “What is wrong with you?”  The interrogative phrase works on so many levels.  It can relate to behavior, fashion choices, or academic performance.

The phrase seems appropriate for Dennis, an electric car-driving attorney from SLC who has managed to effectively repel me. 

Sunday afternoon, after a barrage of emails from a man with whom I’ve been on 1-1/2 dates, I drafted a response.  Because, while his behavior, emails and text messages were off-putting, I didn’t want to appear rude, I sent the email to Sherry Peterson, my friend and blogger (www.trailheads2mimosas.com).

Sherry’s response:

Don’t send it.  Not worth it.  He might be crazier than you think and turn into a problem.  Because, just based on the information in this email – dude is WEIRD.  Is he from Park City?  How did you MEET this weirdo?  

He lay down on your floor and petted your calf?  Oh hell . . .

RUN from this one!

I met Dennis on eHarmony back in January.  Because of my busy schedule, indifference, and basic laziness, we met MONTHS later. 

Oh, did I mention he drives an electric car that cannot travel more than 60 miles from a plug?  When I mentioned that to my friend, Jeff, he replied (after composing himself from minutes of hard laughing), “Why didn’t I think of that?  What a great line!  ‘I’ll have to sleepover because my car can only drive 60 miles without a charge.’  I wonder if they make a car that can only go 15 miles.”

Anyway, I digress.

Apparently, Dennis spent the day reading The New York Times online.  How do I know this?  I inferred because within a 30-minute block of time, he emailed me four links from the newspaper.  The first was about Mormons losing faith.  The second was about hastening death for the terminally ill and referenced a Salt Lake couple.  The third was called “Why Men Need Women” and discussed philanthropy.  The subject of what he promised would be his last email (it wasn’t) was:  “The End of My Little Outburst.”  That email contained a link to a piece by Sophie Fontanel about giving up sex from the time she was twenty-seven until she was thirty-nine.

I can’t make this stuff up!  SERIOUSLY. 

Here is the response I did not send with a few inserts.

Dear Dennis,

Because you are fond of text language (yes, he uses LOL), I’ll incorporate some here — WTF?

Before receiving your “last little outburst” email, I started to write a message that would confirm what you wrote in your first outburst (about 20 minutes earlier) that I am open, nice, and, for the most part, have basic human decency.  However, the link about a sexual hiatus/desert was over the top.

For me, here’s where the train derailed.

1. 1.    While people may GOOGLE others, most don’t tell them about it.  I found it unnerving when you unearthed my interview on KPCW from the planning commission.  When I told you I was going to a meeting in Coalville, it disturbed me that, having never met me, you still looked up the agenda.

1. 2.    Since we began communicating via email, text and phone, over and over and over you sent links to TED talks and The New York Times.  Based on the quantity of emails, I have to assume that the BULK of your limited social life is at the Bistro or playing basketball on Thursday nights.

1. 3.    When I invited you to my home for a very simple gathering, you announced that you used ZILLOW to see where I lived and quoted what my house is worth.  That was WEIRD.

1. 4.    After my friends left, you stayed.   It was awkward.  So, I refilled my glass of wine.  Then, you wedged yourself between the coffee table and the love seat, started petting my calf and announced, “Today is our six-month anniversary.”  Dennis, WTF?  That was TECHNICALLY our second date.  Sure, we’d been conversing (email, text, phone) on/off trying to find a time when our schedules matched.  But, you couldn’t actually ask me out on a date because you drive an electric car.

1. 5.    A few days after the calf petting freakishness, you texted me that you were doing a crossword puzzle.  I love crossword puzzles.  But, I can’t love a man who plans an evening around one.  Your suggestion “Maybe I should try it at high altitude straight up freaked me out.  I shouldn’t have replied, but in an effort to make it less freakish, I replied, “K2 or Everest?”  You kept going and wrote, “My car won’t go that far.”  Hopefully, your car won’t be crossing the summit into Summit County.

1. 6.    Apparently, that crossword puzzle was themed around teenagers.  Your “teen text” asking if my knees were ticklish . . .well, those were just bizarre.  The “third time the charm” comment completely creeped me out.

1. 7.    Which brings me to the barrage of emails today, Sunday.  You say “there’s so much to read and so little time.”  Dennis, I’m a reader, but I don’t have time to read as much as you because I go out.  I spend time with friends.  I have a life away from my laptop.

1. 8.    Now, about the content. . .are you implying that I am on a starvation diet from sex?  Let me put your mind at ease . . .I have sex.  I’m not on hiatus.

1. 9.     The article “Why Men Need Women,” made me sick.  The content was interesting.  However, the title implied that men are weak.  I’m looking for a mensch.  They’re hard to come by.  I have no interest in anyone who “needs” me.  I have big interest in someone who like me “wants” to add a partner.

1. 10.   Back to “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  I have to wonder about the connection you think we formed.  Are you somewhere on the autistic spectrum?  

1. 11.   Finally, when you moved across the room to lie at my feet, you announced, “Will is gorgeous.”  I wasn’t sure if you were gay, straight or bisexual at that point.  No judgment.

If you want to date, you need to dial it down.  But, you won’t be dating me.

Good luck.