I Don’t Mean This Ugly, But . . .How About Leashes for Children?

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This is Gus.  He is a puppy mill survivor and is TERRIFIED of children.

We, the Hooker’s Horde, would be gazillionaires and able to rescue every dog in the world, if we had $1 for every time someone asked, with a sneer, “Are all of those dogs yours?”

Today, the horde, was hanging out in the open space on the private property that our association dues fund. Faith was lounging in the cool grass in the shade, Betty White and Gus were by her side, while Houston and Booker chased tennis balls.

Out of nowhere, twelve children under the age of seven accompanied by only one frazzled blonde, bounded into the quiet. They shrieked.  They ran. They started to chase.
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Gus BOLTED.

Without missing a beat, I scooped up Betty and hooked Faith and Houston to their leashes.

Some call me a “Crazy Dog Lady.”

The “Crazy Child Lady” ignored the misbehavior of the children and said, “They want to play with that one.  The one that left.”

In the words of one of the elders from The Book of Mormon, “O M Gosh.”

Rather than asking, “Are these all yours?” I said, “You must be making a lot of money with this kids’ camp.”

She replied, “Oh, it’s just a play date.”

The Yellow Dog Project promotes attaching a yellow bandana or ribbon to dogs that are fearful or have issues.

Shouldn’t adults attach something to ill-mannered children? Shouldn’t children be restrained? Shouldn’t children be as well-behaved as my dogs?

A year ago, I was sipping a lovely Pinot Noir in the same open area with my friend and our dogs when we were accosted by children on bicycles that careened into us and spilled my wine.

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Really.  I don’t mean this ugly, but .  .  . our dogs are better behaved than most children. Let’s share the open space, the parks, and stop raising hooligans. I’d prefer to have children raised by wolves.  Look how well mine turned out!

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Ray was Right

Ray was Right

Our, and by our, I mean Dwight’s and my friend, Ray, was right. I suspect Dwight is smiling at that statement.

Ray was rarely right. In fact, when his band played Margaritaville, they changed the lyric from “Now I think – hell, it could be my fault” to “Hell, it must be Ray’s fault.

But, he was right.

A few years ago, Ray told me, “Julie, you’re not going to fall in love until Dwight’s gone.”

At the time, I thought, “that’s horrible!” Dwight and I love each other. We both want each other to be happy and loved.

But, for whatever reason, I did not fall in love until Dwight was gone.

Whether it was because Dwight was a great big person and big presence or because I loved him so much there was not room for anyone else, I didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t fall in love until . . . now.

Dwight taught me how to love.

Now, I can love more.

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It’s All About Mom: Another MOM-versation

ME:  I’m going to Mexico.

MOM:  Well, will you be home in time to take me for my shot?

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MOM-versations . . . MOM-versations . . .MOM-versations

MOM:  What did the dermatologist say?

ME:  I’m fine.  There’s nothing suspicious.  I go in every six months to check.

MOM:  Well, why is your face always so pink?

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ME: I don’t know.  We didn’t talk about it.  She said I was fine.

MOM: Your face didn’t look like that when you were growing up.  Maybe it’s your makeup.

ME: Because I want my face to be pink? It’s not my makeup.

MOM: Well, what is it?

ME: I don’t know.  It’s like you said, I’m an old lady now.

MOM: Oh, I didn’t say that.  I said you were middle-aged.  Now, let me ask you this.  Have you started “the change?”

Who Am I, Anyway?

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Time for Change – Clock

ME: Mom!  You asked me that the last time you told me I was old. The answer is still “no.”

MOM: Oh, I did not.

ME: Yes, you did.  You’re older than me. My memory is better.

MOM: Oh, well, then, are you sure you haven’t started?

ME: Well, it is hot. Oh, wait! It’s June.

MOM: Do you have regular periods?

Coming SERIOUSLY close to losing it.

ME: Yes.  I have one period each year.

MOM: That’s not regular!

ME: I take birth control so I don’t have to have a period every month.  I don’t enjoy them. I left out any talk of other reasons for birth control.

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MOM: Well, who does like Aunt Flow?

ME:  (to myself) Kill me now.

MOM: But, only having one period a year doesn’t sound right. Who came up with that idea? I didn’t know they used the pill for that.

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MOM-versations

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MOM:  Call me tomorrow. Uncle Lawrence is not feeling very well, so we are not running errands together. I’ll be home all day.

ME:     Okay. I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow.

MOM:  Which doctor? Your regular doctor? Why? What’s wrong?

ME:     My regular doctor. It’s just my annual exam.

MOM:  Well, you make sure and tell her that your mother is worried about you. You need to put on ten more pounds. Tell her I said so.

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ME:     Okay.

MOM:  Maybe I should come up and go with you.

ME:     No words. Nothing.

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NEIGH-BORsations #1

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11:00 am, Sunday morning

Houston and I were walking.  The nice neighbor, the one that stops to talk with Jodi and me, making us feel like we are not old and boring, stopped his car next to me.

We visited. We talked about new business ideas, being celebrities, and plastic lining.

ME:  I need to go water my plants.

NEIGHBOR: Whenever I water, I have to pee.

ME:  (Head shaking. Wondering, did he just say that?)

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MOM-versations #2

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MOM-versations

8 June 2015

Mom and I have a monthly date with her ophthalmologist for eyeball shots. With an early diagnosis of macular degeneration, mom agreed to Lucentis shots. I think she is very brave.

When we enter on the main level, we walk straight to the elevator. Mom always says, “I’m going to get a good long drink of water” while I push the call button on the elevator.

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ME:     Of course you are.

MOM:  I think that I am healthier now that I drink more water.

ME:     Well, it’s important to stay hydrated.

MOM:  No. Really. It keeps me regular. So many people I know have to use laxatives. But, not me.

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