I Forgot My “Safe Word” (aka Another Night in Book Club)

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Instead of talking about the book, The Tattoo Artist, a reader regaled us with the story of how she climbed out of her car in an icy parking lot, fell, slipped under the SUV, and exclaimed, “my ass crack is purple.”

As supportive book club members, we suggested, “file for workers’ compensation.”

Ugh.  That won’t work.  She works at a ski resort.  One should expect ice in the parking lot.

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“Tell everyone you forgot your safe word,” chimed in the happily married reader.

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The Perks of Being a Junior High School Teacher

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One of the perks of teaching junior high school is SPIRIT WEEK.  Every few months, the Student Council produces a Spirit Week.  It is designed to get everybody on the same page, celebrate our school community, and dress up.

Yesterday, I realized that I had spent the entire week in STRETCHY PANTS.

Nacho Libre – Stretchy Pants

On ‘Merica Monday, I wore white sweatpants.  For Team Tuesday, I was in blue stretchy pants with my Detroit Tigers jersey.  Then, on Why Try Wednesday, I rolled out of bed and went to school in my dog pajamas.  I pulled out my Lululemon tights, a giant gray sweatshirt without the neck, hot pink leg warmers and a headband.  Looking like Olivia Newton John ready to Jazzercize, I taught my classes.

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Finally, on Flannel Friday, I realized I spent the entire week in stretchy pants, eating chocolate and Red Vines.

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Teaching junior high school has perks.

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The Odds are Good and the Goods are Odd

The Odds are Good and the Goods are Odd (Reasons #108 & #109 to be single)

#108

A decade ago, when I was just a girl of 34, one of my students lined me up with her ski jump coach. When he picked me up, he stepped into my 1,350 square foot home, looked around, and asked, “Do you live here by yourself?”

“Yes.”

Incredulous, he continued, “You don’t have roommates?”

“No,” I replied. The voice in my head screamed, “I’m an adult. I have a house, a mortgage, and I pay all of my utilities.”

Then, I put my arm around my stomach and said, “Oh, I’m not feeling well. Could I have a rain check, please?”

Outside magazine selected Park City as the “Best Town Ever” in 2013. With over 400 miles of trails, three world-class ski resorts, the Utah Olympic Park and a bounty of bars, the odds of meeting someone are good.

But, the goods are odd.

#109

Yesterday, while we walked the dogs, my cute, petite, blonde single neighbor, asked, “Where am I going to meet someone?” (She’s newly divorced.)

“We’ll go to The Spur next time Motherlode Canyon Band plays.”

“I am the mother load now,” she replied.

“Okay. Well, think about what you love.”

“Oh,” she sighed. “I saw a man in church. He was taking notes. I thought, ‘Someone who loves his faith as much as I do.’ So, I sidled over and sat next to him.”

“Good.”

“I looked at his notes. They said, ‘Put on snow tires. Fix rain gutter. Finish taxes.’ It was his to-do list.”

“Well, based on the list, it appears he has both a car and a job. There’s potential.”

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Favorites

Favorites

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I just hung up the phone. Annika and I spoke for almost four hours.

When I hung up, I started to call Dwight. I scrolled to “favorites” on my phone.

I wanted to tell him that we talked about the Sunday morning talk shows.

I wanted to tell him that Annika was kind.

I wanted to tell him that when I told Annika what happened at his memorial service, she said, “Without you and Dwight, I wouldn’t know any of them. They only exist because of you and Dwight.”

I wanted to tell him that she loves him.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him.

I wanted to tell him that their dogs were eating poop.

I wanted to tell him that Mahan remember when Dwight ate too many nutmeg cookies. I wanted to tell him that they remember the brownie incident.

I wanted to tell him everything.

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Having the House to Myself (Reason #107 for Being Single)

Having the House to Myself (Reason #107 for Being Single)

#107

Several months ago, my neighbors started planning their divorce. The rest of the neighbors whispered, “She really is a crazy recluse. He’ll be better off without her.”

In an effort to protect the “innocent,” I’ll call him Herman.

One Christmas, my friend Vanessa saw Herman walking his dog, Bruce, in the open space. With an enthusiastic smile, she called out, “Merry Christmas!”

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He responded, “Why do people always say that? I’m Buddhist.”

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But, he was usually warm, kind, attentive and nonjudgmental. With a “Namaste” sticker on the refrigerator in the garage, he often talked about his mediation and gardening.

As their divorce proceeded, he moved in with his mother.
Then, he asked me out.

Before our date, he sent the following text:

“My mom is going away for the weekend. If you came up to Layton we could have the house to ourselves. It might be a nice getaway.”

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First, I have my house to myself every day.

Second, I live in Park City. Layton, a suburb of Salt Lake, is not a “getaway.”

Finally, I was afraid that a 62-year-old man “living” with his mother might be like the Bates Motel.

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So, I continue to have my house to myself.

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Reasons to Be Single (#96-106)

Reasons to be Single #96 – 106

I just learned about Catfish (the MTV series about online “dating”).

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Urban Dictionary defines the term: A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they’re not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

Being single is preferable to being with a catfish.

Following is a list of frightening red flags from a catfish in Colorado (aka reasons to be single #96-106):

  1. I’m a genius. My IQ is 180.
  2. I work for the CIA.
  3. My dog was hit by one of the contractors working on my house. It was so bad; I just put her down right there.
  4. I collect guns.
  5. I’m a Republican.
  6. While I was skiing, everyone on the lift above me was cheering for me.
  7. You’re going to have to move to Salida.
  8. (Without ever meeting me) I could see myself marrying you.
  9. I just ate 25 Buffalo wings.
  10. I fart in my sleep.
  11. I snore.
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Life Goes On

In Aspects of Love, our favorite musical, we hear, “Life goes on, love goes free.”

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Life goes on.

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Thanks to our dear friends, Annika and Mahan, for understanding that “life goes on” and celebrating all of us.

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